Friday, March 14, 2014

Dear Steve Finnell

Dear Steve Finnell,

Thank you for your 586 word comment on my 332 word blog post the other day. You did a masterful job of interpreting the words that I had written, ignoring them, and using my comment section as a place to copy and paste a slew of context-free Bible verses in an attempt to define the magical incantation I need to perform to prevent God from having me tormented for all eternity. I would also like to thank you for your gracious invitation to follow your blog, and invitation I must decline with a heavy heart.

Unfortunately, I found the checklist you left me a little confusing.

1. Faith: John 3:16
2. Belief and baptism: Mark 16:16
3. Confession and belief: Romans 10:9-10
4. Born of water and Spirit: John 3:5
5. Grace and faith: Ephesians 2:8
6. Buried through baptism: Roman 6:4-5
7. Water baptism: 1 Peter 3:20-21
8. Baptism: Acts 22:16
9. Baptized into Christ: Galatians 3:27
10. Believe: Acts 16:30-31
11. Repentance and baptism: Acts 2:38
12. God's mercy, water baptism, and the Holy Spirit: Titus 3:5
13. Water baptism: Colossians 2:12-13
14. Repentance: Acts 3:19
I was baptized once as an infant and once as an adult, but this list seems to require a total of nine baptisms. Can I get them all dealt with at once? Like, just get nine ministers in a pool and just go? Or is there a cooldown, like with my Force powers in Star Wars? I would hate to think that I have a minimum amount of time to wait before God is willing to grudgingly etch my name in his Book of Life.

Anyway, Steve, it's been great chatting with you, but I need to get going because, uh, I think my car is on fire.

- Matt

PS - I googled your name and was impressed at the sheer number of people you've pissed off by spamming their blogs with your irrelevant comments. Way to go!


  1. Hi, I was googling for Steve Finnel because on Oct 27th, 2014, he put verses quoted from the bible on one of my blog post; with no introducing, no explanation & surely without asking if it would be okay with me.

    I emailed & barked at him about how annoying his post was but he never replied.

    Anyway, I happened to see your blog, mentioning his name & from reading it, I knew I was not the only one and obviously not the first blogger who received his visit. It is interesting that I found some other bloggers specifically wrote posts in respond to whatever this guy posted on their blogs

    The guy was just looking for a way to increase the number of his blog viewer/follower.

  2. Yeah, I got really mad when I saw his comment. I'm not averse to writing religion-oriented posts on this blog, but he chose a post about writing to vomit his list of bible verses onto. It's like... dude, at least try to be topical.

    Thanks for the comment! It's always good to find someone who is annoyed at something I'm annoyed at! Now I feel bad for neglecting this blog for so long -- it's like someone came to visit and found my living room full of Ikea boxes. I should get back at it.